The London Snickers.

I woke up Saturday morning at a friends house to be greeted by a warm and sunny day. I went about my usual routine starting off with a cup of real coffee. This was an odd blend as when he moved he put Italian and Kenyon in the same jar to save room. I like my coffee like my woman. Hot, sweet and lots of cream, outside of that who cares. After indulging in the three S's I set off for breakfast. The cafe is a short walk away so not too much stress. As I was walking down the road I noticed police road cones along the road and men in yellow coats ripping up weeds and generally cleaning up. Not the kind of activity you except to see 11:00am Saturday morning. In fact it's not the kind of activity I expect to see anytime. I thought I paid tax to send fat lying politicians on holiday not clean the streets. I figured there was something going on that was nothing to do with me so I ignored it and went about my day.
Sunday morning I woke up to the sound of drums that were nowhere near distant enough. I indulged in the first S and decided to find out who these b******s were. I did not have to go far to find out. I opened the front door to find several people clapping, a full scale marathon passing the house and a drum band at the end of the road. I made a cup of coffee and stood in the road to watch the whole thing pass. People by me seamed to be picking names off the runners shirts and shouting "come on Dave your doing well" Dave being the first name that come in to my head to represent whatever name they chose. It would be a bit stupid if they just shouted come on Dave all the time. Mind you the Dave appreciation society may have turned up to support everybody called Dave. You never know. A group of people across the road from me were doing the same but shouting "Come one Dave only twenty miles to go" gave me a laugh anyway. Most people were dressed normally or as normal as you can get for a runner anyway. As you will expect some people were dressed up in costumes. One brave man was dressed as Chewbacca. Five people were linked together by a snake costume and there was also Mister Men, two sponge bob square pants, Elvis, Rhino's and many other freaks dressed in many other ways. One guy had a cast on his leg and was hobbling along on crutches. Another guy with a mirror on the front of his hat was running backwards. I also noticed rather a lot of Batman and robin's. Weather this had anything to do with only fools and horses I don't know. At one point a little bloke with a bucket of money ran passed me with a look on his face that didn't take much to read and mate I totally agree. Running 26 miles with a bucket full of money is a damn stupid thing to do. And to the guy who crossed the finish line and blew a massive wad of snot out of his nose on to the floor. Use a tissue or at least snort it and gob it out. Putting your finger on one nostril and blowing snot out of the other is not acceptable anywhere except your house and the house of the scum that taught you to do it. I was told a guy was running in a suit of armour and it would take about a week. The suit of armour guy came past the house Monday about midday. I've decided I'm going to do the marathon next year, I'm going to do it in the back of a taxi.

British Telecommunications

I’ve been off line at home now for over a month. This all started with NTL’s web page telling porky pies about where they can install broadband. I moved using the info from there site as a guide so I could move my account and not spend too much time without a connection. Once I moved, I phoned them and they told me they were unable to install Broadband in my area. In one way this was good as I didn’t have to be put through to the irritating git that try’s to stop you leaving NTL. This left me needing a BT line as they have the monopoly on the phone lines in my area. No BT line, no Broadband. It is going to cost me about £100 to have a line put in. It would be cheaper for me to move to an area where they have NTL. It has taken long enough to find this place so moving is not an option. You should see some of the dumps scum lords are passing off as accommodation. One place still had glass on the floor from the last break in. I digress. So NTL are down the road. It was at this point that I was told about a web site called Sam knows this is a broadband resource site and can tell you loads of neat stuff about broadband availability. This is where I found out about Home choice. Same price as NTL but I get 35 channels of TV. This will prolly work out at 10 watchable channels and 25 of crap. When I spoke to Home choice I spoke to a human who was normal and was not reading from a script. Top marks to Home choice so far. They set up an appointment for me with BT on the 7th of April. I sat in the kitchen with a coffee and eating marmite and cheese on toast and messing with my laptop. They did not turn up. They claim that they called at the door and phoned my mobile which is bull. The only time I left the kitchen was to take a dump and the bog is closer to the door than the kitchen. So unless the door was knocked as mud hit water, the guy never turned up. They claimed when I phoned that they knocked my door at ten, phoned my mobile and put a card through my door. This is all rubbish. Not turning up is a pain but you expect crap like that from the likes of them. When they start making stuff up it really boils my spuds. BT YOU SUCK !

Malcolm McLaren

A short time ago I was sitting at home cross indexing my used tissue collection and due to what I saw on TV I dropped volume 11. It still pains me to say but I saw Malcolm McLaren in a Mayo advert. I felt dirty and used. Malcolm McLaren has always been a t**t but.........I'm sorry I cant talk about it now. It's still too painful.

I Hate Cars

One thing that is really starting to get on my trunk is cars that stop on crossings. Can I just point out that you ain’t getting home any quicker by parking your stinking hunk of junk in my face. All you will get is my foot through your window and shouted at. KEEP OFF THE WALKING BITS! If you are unable to remember this you are to stupid to own a car. Also If I’m in a bad mood I will take your number and report you to the police. When it’s cold and raining its bad enough having to deal with the mindless dimwits walking around me with out some bloated t**t in a 4X4 getting in my way. Wile I’m on the subject of rain, just a few things to say to all you people who use umbrellas. If one more of you freaks attack me with them spikes I will shove it up your arse. Take it from me having an umbrella opened up your arse is not half as painful as having a spike shoved in your eye but I still don’t recommend it. So if you’re stopped in your open top car on a crossing with an open umbrella,
1, You are WELL odd.
2, You better hope I ain’t crossing the road.
You have been told.

What Man?

Since Crimbo I have been a bit skint and also a bit bored. So to combat the two, me and a friend have decided to get a bit of extra work. We talked about it long and hard and came to the conclusion that being a superhero was the way to go. I’m going to be the one doing all the high tech computer and science stuff and my friend is going to leap buildings in a single bound and be faster than a speeding train n stuff. Now, we have started small but you gotta start somewhere init? We have decided to have our secret hideout at my place so you are all welcome to the secret hideout warming party. My mate has bought some red Y fronts to ware outside his jeans and I got a Pin stripe suit and a bow tie. Transport we ain’t got yet so we’re just going to use our travel cards for now. The only thing my mate was not to sure about was the orange tan superhero’s seam to have so I let him off that. So all we need now is a superhero name for my mate. Any ideas?

Out Of Order

Everybody knows how serious I am and how even more serious I am in work. Wile I was being serious in work the other day, I found this sign and felt it did not quite explain the seriousness of the situation. Of course I changed it as you can see above.
After a wile I decided I was a little angry at being cheated out of a tap. So I stormed back to the bog and changed the sign to reflect what I felt. As above.

Nosey

I keep seeing these things round London. Anybody got any ideas what they are?

Olympics

I was watching TV last night and Red Ken was banging on about some new tube extension to Woolwich where the shooting events for the 2012 Olympics are to be held. Londoners need cheap and affordable travel he said. CHEAP! AFFORDABLE! YOU JUST PUT MY TUBE FARE UP BY £1 WHATS CHEAP AND AFFORDABLE ABOUT THAT! HOW ABOUT STUFF THE OLYMPICS AND STOP TRASH BURGLING MY HOUSE AND FORCING YOUNG GIRLS INTO PROSTITUTION! Of course am not implying that trashy people broke into my house and turned it into a brothel. Though thinking about it, it would only improve the place. All I'm Saying is get your priorities right. We got people going to Hungary for the dentist and we're letting pedophiles and thieves rome free. All THEY can bang on about is the sodding Olympics. Can I just say for the records, I HATE the damn Olympics. I can think of nothing more dull. I went to Barcelona and saw where the Olympics were held. It was empty and looked dead. The only thing that was missing was the tumble weed rolling past the gate. Mind you if it gets east London cleaned up it can only be a good thing. Last time I was there it was a filthy dump. G, Get your cloth out T, T, Tony.

Dull Weekend

Welsh bloke apologizes for the gap in this blog. Normal service will resume when something interesting happens or I find the sodding lead for my phone.